I know that it’s actually President Bush who is lying about his record from the Viet Nam war era. I served in the Guard with him, and I know that what he says is untrue. He is a lying coward and a pants-wetter, and I know because I had to do his laundry. Not only that, he wears frilly pink underpants. He suggests that he left his station in Texas to go to Alabama to work for a Congressional campaign. That is a cowardly fraud. I know that he went to Alabama to join forces with evil, man-eating alien monsters, hell-bent on destroying our country. That day he did not appear for his physical, which caused his pilot’s license to lapse, even though he was on active duty in the Air National Guard? He was on board the alien mothership, receiving orders downloaded into his brain. He avoided the physical so that their tentacle marks would not be discovered. No one can remember serving with him because they have all had their minds wiped as part of evil-alien mind-control experiments. That and the fact that his roommate on base was Ultrag, one of the evil aliens. Ultrag would confirm all this, but he’s dead now. He ate too many of the men in the unit all at once, mostly the ones that Lt. Bush didn’t like. The fact that none of the available documentation from his unit commanders says anything about men being eaten is just because they were based on Lt. Bush’s own reports. One of them even has the intials “BS” on it. No, I don’t know why it’s an “S” since Bush’s first name starts with a G.

Of course you’re wondering why I haven’t come forward about all this before. Well, I just think the President’s recent posturing as someone so obviously NOT under mind-control are insulting to all us Guard veterans…what? Well, yes I am. I was a Crossing Guard at my elementary school at the time. And besides, I didn’t actually remember any of this, no doubt due to alien mind-wipe at the hands of Lt. Bush himself, until just this year, which is why I’m on record in the past as denying the entire existence of evil man-eating aliens. It was only after special “presidential portrait” regression therapy, in Boston, with a doctor who just happens to be the widower of John Kerry’s nanny , that I started to remember. Why yes, that therapy does involve waving many small pieces of green paper featuring the pictures of dead presidents and ever-increasing numbers…I guess you’ve heard of it? Oh, and I hadn’t previously had a chance, at any time in the last 30 years, to get together with my other Guard vets to compare stories, until the Cabots and Lodges flew us all to Boston and had us over to their house that weekend, and I heard from the other guys all the horrible things Bush did. I wasn’t there to see it, but I heard from this guy I trust (because I served with him, y’know?) and he says he saw Bush in a meeting with Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan, who are both still alive on board the alien ship, where they discussed eating babies. Plus there was that Satanic ritual. And there’s another guy who told me that the President keeps talking to him through the fillings in his teeth, and that just shows how the President cares nothing about invading someone’s privacy for his own political gain. So after I heard all that, I had to speak up. Right? Of course I did.

I’m waiting for calls to schedule my appearence on all the TV news shows. I’m looking forward to meeting that nice Mr. Lehrer on PBS. Meanwhile, does anyone know where I can get a good price on aluminum foil? I need to make some hats for us and the cats.