Paul’s surgery was six months ago today. Some days, that day feels to me like not-quite-ancient history; other times it seems like it was yesterday. Paul has written today about where he is on this road. I, too, have a long way to go in recuperating from the trauma of this cancer.

I bear no physical scars from this experience. My body has not been cut, reconstructed, left aching or numb or discomfortingly unfamiliar. But cancer, and its treatment, do not wreak these changes only on bodies, but on psyches and on relationships.

I’ve spent the past six months doing my best to cope, and to help Paul recuperate. And, oh, the things I have learned, about this cancer, nursing, swallowing, medical billing. I have learned enough that, within the past few days, two trained medical professionals with whom I have spoken have assumed that I was one of them. (If I were, I’d be glad to have all this knowledge. As things stand, I hope that I never have need of it again.)

So here we are, six months out. We assume/hope/pray that the cancer is gone. For the most part, my work as patient advocate, nurse and billing specialist is done. And yet, there is still much that I need to do. It’s time for a different sort of work.

My life is not as I knew it. Paul is changed. I am changed. Our marriage is changed. I do not know, cannot quite imagine, what our lives will be six months from now, or two years, or ten. And, as a former student of psychology, I recognize these signs: I feel exhausted; I cry frequently; I don’t concentrate as easily as usual; I’m more irritable; I enjoy my favorite activites less. It’s a classic pattern.

And I, like Paul, have found a professional to help me work through this. He calls my emotional state a “reactive depression.” Another clinical term for this is an “adjustment disorder.” Here’s a definition:

An adjustment disorder occurs when a person develops affective (emotional) or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor. Stressors can be natural disasters, events or crises, or interpersonal problems. The person displays either marked distress, or impairment in functioning (i.e. unable to work or study). Adjustment disorders, by definition, last less than 6 months (after the stressor or its consequences end). If the symptoms last more than 6 months, the person may have another disorder.

This sounds right to me. I can work with this. I’d just really like to know when that six-months-post-stressor-or-consequences clock will start.